Mother's Day Post - the good, the bad, and the ugly

So most of you know that I lost my mom to cancer just over 5 years ago.  It was before I was even pregnant with my little girl.  Since then, Mother's Day has been hard.  It's really hard for me to get so excited about my kids/husband doing things for me when most of the day I think about my mom.  I want to enjoy Mother's Day so much, but it's so hard for me too. 

The Good

The fam decided to go to my in-laws lake house for the weekend.  Last minute, we decided that I would take the kids early Thursday evening with my mother-in-law and then hubs and his stepdad would join us Friday evening after work.  So that was a nice surprise to get up there early and have more time to relax and another pair of hands to help with the kiddos.  The little guy even slept pretty well for me, which was nice.  During the little guys morning nap, my MIL (mother-in-law) even volunteered to watch Hope so I could go running.  I just did a quick 4 miler, but it was nice to get out especially since it was the first time I had run all week.  I did run in a turkey during my run, which made my heart skip a beat for a minute, but there was no damage done by either of us.  During the kids afternoon nap, my MIL wanted to wash some windows, so I got to lay by the lake with a book (yes, I am a little behind, but I am loving it).  The men arrived late on Friday and the rest of the weekend at the lake was very nice.  I got a new bathing suit for Mother's Day and a cover up for the summer.  I hadn't gotten a new bathing suit or cover up in 3 years, so it was time. 

The Bad

It's not really bad, but on our way back from the lake, we stopped at the cemetary where my mother is.  I am definitely glad I was able to get there on Mother's Day, even if I was without a flower for her grave.  But of course, I would have preferred to have gone to her house and hung out with her, so that is where the bad comes from.  We got the kids out of the car, even though we knew it would be a quick trip.  Hope knows that "Gigi" is in heaven (she points to the sky) so it was kind of difficult to describe that this is her resting place when we are looking at a grave.  I did tell my mom Happy Mother's Day and what really hurt was when my husband told me how proud she would be of me.  I just about lost it then.  I was a relatively young adult when she passed.  I had graduated from grad school and gotten married, and I had done a good bit of work at my job before she passed, but I feel like my life has changed so much in the past 5 years, that my mom has missed.  Of course the birth of my 2 children is #1 and #2 on the list.  Buying our second house (our family house), my husband graduating with his PhD and getting a job, etc.  It was an emotional rollercoaster, but I tried to stay positive the rest of the day.

The Ugly
Well it was raining, and I was supposed to have semi-final play for tennis.  That was why we left the lake earlier on Sunday.  So we figured the rain would postpone tennis until Monday, but we had it hanging over our heads for hours.  Then finally, the rain stopped for about 1.5 hours, so they made it go out there (30 minutes away) and stand there for 15 minutes before deciding that it was definitely going to rain again and we could go home.  So I spent 1.25 hours away from my family just driving and waiting for nothing on Mother's Day.  Not the way I wanted to spent the afternoon.  Ugh!

The night did end well, but hubs and I were so into playing with the kids in our new playroom, that we missed planning dinner.  So we didn't get a special dinner, just spaghetti.  But I did get a wonderful back massage from hubs after bending over all weekend with Junior Junior. 

I hope all the mothers out there had a wonderful Mother's Day!  Did you do anything special? 

Snuggle time and why it's so important

Most of you know that little Hope has given up her crib to baby #2 and has gotten her own big girl bed.  Well we are still trying to get all the kinks out of that, but there has been one big pro to this upgrade (other than having to buy another crib for #2).  It's snuggle time.  After she gets her book, which we read to her in bed, she has become a big fan of snuggle time before she goes to sleep.  So I will tuck her in and then she grabs my neck and pulls me in as close as she can and says "I love you."  I give her a kiss and tell her I love her too.  After that, we snuggle from 10 to 45 minutes depending on how cooperative she is.  But since our little toddler has been on the move (at 12 months) she doesn't stop to just snuggle as much as she used to, so I have really enjoyed the snuggle time I am getting right now. 

I always remember snuggling with my mom, but now I appreciating it from a different perspective and how she must have felt with me wanting to snuggle with her.  My sisters and I were all in favor of the mom snuggle, so she got plenty, and it didn't stop when we were teenagers or even adults.  I remember just a few weeks before my wedding.  I was living at home while my mom was recovering from more chemo and surgeries from cancer and I wanted to help out.  My mom's nightly ritual was to take a quick bath, and then watch a little tv in bed.  I remember going up there several nights and slipping in my pajamas and sliding into bed and watching tv with her.  I would usually end up snuggling up close to her and she would give me a big hug.  I was 25 years old and was not ashamed of being snuggled by my mother.  That was probably one of the last times I really got to snuggle with my mom.  I remember it so fondly.  By the time most of you read this, it will be the 4 year anniversary of my mom's passing.  She was not only a special lady, but a wonderful mother, whom I always had a great relationship with (even during my teen years).  I have many regrets in regards to my mother (little things like telling her I love her one last time and having her tell me she loved me too, asking her questions about myself as a child that my dad doesn't remember, etc.), but one thing I don't regret is snuggling with her, even as an adult.  I do know that I am a lot like her, so I can imagine how warm and fuzzy it must have made her feel snuggling with her 25 year old baby.  I hope I will have the same kind of relationship with Hope that my mom had with me.  And I hope Hope snuggles with me for many more years to come.  So as you read this, please think and pray for me on 2/22 that I make it through the day.  It is an extremely difficult day for me, but being 8 months pregnant and EXTREMELY hormonal will not make it any easier.  I loved my mom with all my heart, and it breaks my heart that my daughter never got the chance to meet her.  I love you Mom!

I miss my mommy

***Warning, this is not for the faint of heart.***

Yes, I am going to be a Debbie Downer today, but since it's raining and crummy weather here, I feel like it's ok. 3 years ago today my mom lost her battle with cancer and passed away. She died peacefully in her sleep at our family house early that morning (around 7:00am). I was there. I had spent the last 6 days living back home to help my family take care of my mom and to be with my mom during her last days. I remember it all like it was yesterday. I usually suppress those memories most of the year, but every January, they creep back in. She died on a Thursday. The Friday before that my dad asked if I would spend the night at the house to help him with my mom during the middle of the night and give my youngest sister the night off because she was still living at home (just graduated from college weeks before) and was helping my dad. We found out in late January that the cancer had come back and spread to her liver. Once the cancer spreads to the liver, there is not much you can do. It is pretty much a death sentence. The doctor gave her 3-6 months to live (she lived for 30 days). Adam and I spent the night that Friday night and then after that, I never left because she was getting worse. My mom had spent a lot of time in hospitals so she wanted her last days to be in her home, so while she/we had hospice care, they brought everything to the house and that is where she spent her last days. The hospice service we used was amazing. I have never met such caring people in my life. They brought a hospital bed in for my mom when she was too sick to use stairs (all the bedrooms are upstairs). They delivered all her meds and when she too sick to swallow, they transferred all her meds to liquids so we could keep her comfortable. We could call them at any hour if there was anything wrong with my mom. But they also had counselors for us, which was very nice. They had someone who would come by everyday and talk to us, ask us how we feel, and let us know what to expect. They also had a bereavement counselor that stayed with us for 13 months after my mom passed for counseling.

The Saturday before she passed, things got very bad and we thought we were going to lose her that day. She was always a fighter through, and held on for another 5 days. I remember I woke up early that morning (sleeping was very hard to do anyway). Adam had not spent the night that night (the first for him) because he needed to let the dog out and since it was so late, he was going to sleep at our house that night. I woke up early on that Thursday morning (around 7:00am) and listened. My mom had an oxygen machine to help her breathe easily and it was pretty loud, so I was listening to hear if the machine was still on (meaning she was still alive). I heard it. I thought instead of getting up, I would try to sleep some more so I could function (a couple nights before I hadn't slept at all and it was awful). Some 30 minutes later my dad came in my room (my old room) and told me that my mom had passed. My aunt was sleeping downstairs with her that night (the liquid meds have to administered every 2-3 hours). She had given my mom meds at 6:30am and she was still breathing. My dad had that same duty the night before. When he was on duty, he set her watch alarm to go off. He hadn't turned it off so his watch went off at 7:00am (the last time he had given her meds). Well that's what woke him up that Thursday morning. He went downstairs and when he went in, she was not breathing. He got out a stethoscope and checked, and she had passed. He gave her one last kiss and then went upstairs to tell his daughters. I immediately called Adam and he was back over within minutes.

Yes, I still think about it often. I had a wonderful relationship with my mom and can't believe that I can function without her in my life. I used to talk to her daily. She was an amazing woman; she was smart, level headed, funny, athletic, financially savvy, and the best mother a daughter could have. We (her children) were everything to her. I know she misses us too. I know she is watching us. I am grateful for the all the time I did have with her (27 years), but I am also so sad and angry (yes, still) that she has not been here for others. Yes, she was there to watch me get married, but she wasn't there for the Hope's birth. She wanted to be a grandmother so bad, but never once pressured me into having a family before I was ready. I know in my heart that she gave me Hope. Hope's middle name, Cecile, was my mom's middle name. My mom was not there for my youngest sister's wedding, and I know that bothered her a lot. We had a heart to heart right before the wedding and she was very upset that mom wasn't there.

I guess in closing, please think about me and my family on this terrible day. We are all chugging through, some days are better than others.

Here are a few pictures of my mom.

My mom and me (I am 1 year).


My mom and dad (Adam and I) at our rehearsal dinner. I was giving them a gift as a thank you for everything they had done. It was a fun evening with a lot of laughing. Not sure what we are laughing at at this moment, but from my mom's face, it must have been pretty funny.

Here is my family on my wedding day. My mom's dress was beautiful and she had finished chemo months ago and her hair had gone back and she even had it cut the day of the wedding. That was a big deal for her.

Here is a picture of my mom on her 50th birthday. Unfortunately, she was in the hospital on her 50th, but the good news was she was cancer free (she had had surgery a few days before). I used to spend the night with her in the hospital because I was the smallest and the one who could easily fit in the chair. But I have to say, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I wanted to be there to take care of her and help her in any way possible. My dad had to take her of the rest of the family, so he couldn't do it. I guess it was my mother instincts kicking in a little early. So I woke up early that morning and decorated her room for her.

This is the saddest picture for me. Adam and I used to (well still do) take self portraits while on vacation. We would come back and have tons of pictures where we were both in them. In January, before my mom had gotten the bad news, my parents took a trip to Key West. During the trip, they tried to perfect the self portrait. You can see here that the self portrait has no background. They took this self portrait in the hotel room. Suck dorks! But they both look very happy, and that is what is important.

I am not sure if I will get out my menu planning today, but I can tell you I will be dining tonight at my mom's favorite restaurant, Aldo's. She loved that place.

Happy Birthday Mom!

I am just over 1 hour early, but I have an incredibly busy day tomorrow, so I wanted to make sure I got this post in. Some of you may know, but my mom passed away 2 1/2 years ago. She would be 54 this year (yes, she was only 51 years old when she passed). It was the most difficult thing I ever had to go through in my entire life. I was very close to my mom, and she wanted to be a grandmother so bad, but God had different plans for her. She is now watching over Hope in a special way right now. It's so upsetting knowing that Hope will never know her Grandma. My mom would have loved her in such a special way. It would have been a magical relationship. Hope's middle name, Cecile, was my mom's middle name growing up, so Hope will always have that connection with her grandmother.

It was also very sad to through pregnancy and childbirth without my mom. I thought my mom was a fantastic mother and someone with such a level head, it would have been great to have had her when I had questions. I am fortunate to have such a great extended family who loves me and has supported me through my pregnancy and childbirth, but if you are close to your mom, then you know, there is no substitute. I think about my mom a lot still, and miss her terribly.

The first picture is from my wedding (June 2004). My mom is in purple. I thought she looked beautiful at my wedding. The second picture is our last family vacation together (August 2006). She was going through chemo, so in that picture, she is wearing a wig. She is still beautiful, but you can tell she is very sick. She was sick for a long time (4 years) before she lost her battle with cancer. So a lot of my last memories of her, are of her being sick. It's just so sad, because she was a very active, vibrant woman. Today (7/17), I will try to remember that vibrant woman. Happy Birthday Mom!